Restorative Empathy

Transforming Domination Culture from the Inside Out

What Does It Really Take to Not Give Up? A Simple Approach for Difficult Times

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When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

This is the advice our culture offers us about fortitude amidst adversity: If you’re tough, you’ll do something. If you’re not tough, well, toughen up. If that doesn’t work, there’s something wrong with you. Try harder. Rely on willpower. Buck up. Didn’t work? Buckle down. Try harder.

If trying our hardest doesn’t work—or if we can’t even manage the incredible vulnerability of trying—we collapse in shame, blame ourselves and others, numb or distract ourselves, conclude that we’re just not good enough.

We tell ourselves it’s futile to dream impossible dreams, sometimes convincing ourselves we never really wanted that dream in the first place. We give up on ourselves and each other, and our lives get smaller and smaller.

And as this happens with each one of us, collectively we get easier and easier to dominate and control.

This is not the time to give up, my friends—on your own dreams or your dedication to bringing your full heart to this ailing world.

So What’s the Secret to Not Giving Up?

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What Would You Do with Your Life if You Were Living Your True Purpose?

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firecracker

Almost two decades ago, I passed through a toll booth on the San Francisco Bay Bridge. I held out my money to a toll taker, and in return he beamed at me, his smile radiant and his eyes kind. With the buoyant warmth of a parent talking to their beloved child, he asked, “How are you today, sweetheart?”

I thought to myself, “This person is spreading love to every single person who passes through. Amazing. What a meaningful way to spend your day.” He taught me in that 30-second exchange that anything we do, when imbued with love, can be deeply meaningful.

Every single human on this planet needs meaning and purpose. A sense that our life has a positive impact, and that our existence matters. An experience of making a meaningful contribution to one being or a lot of beings or the entire world.

What is your life’s unique purpose? What feels genuinely meaningful to you? And what keeps you from fully living that purpose?

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Are You Stuck in a Response Rut? How Your Listening Can Deepen or Distance Your Relationships

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pine needles

–> Have you ever wanted to support someone, but what you said or didn’t say seemed to make things worse?

–> Do you rerun conversations afterward, cringing about what you said, and wishing you could have a “do-over”—even if you aren’t exactly sure what you’d do or say differently?

–> Do you fear conflict, because you’re not sure what turns tension into closeness?

–> Do you avoid reaching out to people because you’re afraid you won’t know what to say?

–> Do you long for your conversations to go deeper, to feel more intimate, to have more meaning, to leave everyone feeling warm and connected and cared for?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be stuck in a “Response Rut,” such as:

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What Would You Do with Your Life if You Had More Support?

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I’m writing you tonight from the recently reopened community room at Wilbur Hot Springs. I hear some guests cooking their meals in the nearby kitchen and others chatting over their dinner by the fireplace. In the library, folks are reading and napping on overstuffed sofas. The atmosphere is warm and nurturing and familiar, which is quite poignant for me. [Read more…]

The Truth about Your Inner Critic

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Do you spur on your inner critic, hoping that if you can just be harder on yourself, you can liberate yourself from your pain and inhabit your life more fully?

Or do you try to stifle, ignore, or exile your inner critic, believing that the key to happiness is to just think positively and overpower or deny your doubts and judgments?

If you regularly use one or both of these strategies, how are they working for you? Are you genuinely fulfilled? Has your critic really gone away? Or are you feeling frustrated and discouraged, wondering why you’re trying so hard and still not getting the results you’re wanting? [Read more…]