Restorative Empathy

Transforming Domination Culture from the Inside Out

Are You Stuck in a Response Rut? How Your Listening Can Deepen or Distance Your Relationships

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–> Have you ever wanted to support someone, but what you said or didn’t say seemed to make things worse?

–> Do you rerun conversations afterward, cringing about what you said, and wishing you could have a “do-over”—even if you aren’t exactly sure what you’d do or say differently?

–> Do you fear conflict, because you’re not sure what turns tension into closeness?

–> Do you avoid reaching out to people because you’re afraid you won’t know what to say?

–> Do you long for your conversations to go deeper, to feel more intimate, to have more meaning, to leave everyone feeling warm and connected and cared for?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be stuck in a “Response Rut,” such as:

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Why is Self-Compassion So Elusive? (And A Three-Step Process for Priming the Pump!)

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When I started learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC) a decade ago, one of my first teachers heavily emphasized self-empathy—that is, sensing into our own feelings and needs as a method to understand and connect with ourselves—as the easiest and most readily available source of empathy and compassion. “Self-empathy is your best friend,” she said.

Her preference made logical sense. You’re with yourself all the time. If you’re in distress, why not soothe yourself?

Except that I couldn’t access self-empathy when I was in acute distress, or even mild distress. No matter how hard I tried, my attempts just didn’t make me feel better. They felt like a hollow, intellectual exercise that left me feeling worse.

I heard in her preference for self-empathy evidence of my own inadequacy: Why couldn’t I just decide to be there for myself, especially when I could see how much better my life and my relationships would be if I did “choose” self-compassion?

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Embracing Your Joys and Your Sorrows: Living Your Whole Life with Presence

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Six weeks ago, my home burned down. In ten minutes. While I was out of town.

Complicatedly, the building that burned wasn’t my private residence, though it was the heart of the place where I was living and have frequently visited and lived over the past 17 years. Since August, I’d been living at Wilbur Hot Springs—an off-the-grid historic lodge, hot springs, and nature preserve. Wilbur is where I go for creative renewal and deep contemplation. There is nowhere I feel more deeply nourished, more heart-flung-open to the world, more at home. So when the beloved Victorian-era lodge was largely destroyed in a ten-minute blaze on March 29, I experienced one of my life’s greatest shocks and loses.

Up until the fire, I’d been teaching a weekly self-empathy workshop for Wilbur guests. In that offering, I always shared my favorite Buddhist principle: that every life has 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. I take this to mean that pushing through sorrows and striving toward joys won’t leave us with any more joys, but it will deprive us of the growth, depth of experience, and meaning we gain from offering presence to each joy and sorrow as they inevitably arise.

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Making Nourishing, Accomplishable New Year’s Resolutions Free of Self-Domination, Defeatism, and “Shoulds”

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Every year, an estimated 40 percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, but one study suggests that only 12 percent actually accomplish their goals. Why do so many of us start each new year with resolutions, only to drop them once the hope of a fresh start diminishes?

The cultural message about our unsuccessful attempts to stick to our resolutions is that we’re lazy, distracted, or incompetent. But the standard resolutions model we’re given actually set us up to “fail” and thus break trust with ourselves, so that we’re left in doubt of our own ability to act from a place of empowered intentionality. When we fail to achieve our goals with that model, we’re told we lack willpower, and to try again. And again, and again, until we get tired and give up. We may get so discouraged and angry that we resolve never to make another “stupid resolution” again. But without setting and acting on our own intentions—whatever the time of year—how can we ever hope to be empowered, fulfilled, and truly free? [Read more…]

Are You Running on Empty? How to Refill Your Empathy Tank

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December is one of the busiest months, jam-packed with celebrations and lights and opportunities for connection. December is also the darkest month, with the shortest days and the longest nights—nature’s invitation to tend to our pains and losses. In no month is the human struggle between light and dark, life and death, hope and despair more alive. And for many of us, this stark contrast between celebration and mourning can feel uncomfortable, unacknowledged, and incredibly draining. What we need most to weather this month’s beautiful but challenging complexities is empathy. [Read more…]