When I started learning Nonviolent Communication a decade ago, one of my first teachers heavily emphasized self-empathy—that is, sensing into our own feelings and needs as a method to understand and connect with ourselves—as the easiest and most readily available source of empathy and compassion. “Self-empathy is your best friend,” she said.

Her preference made logical sense. You’re with yourself all the time. If you’re in distress, why not soothe yourself?

Except that I couldn’t access self-empathy when I was in acute distress, or even mild distress. No matter how hard I tried, my attempts just didn’t make me feel better. They felt like a hollow, intellectual exercise that left me feeling worse.

I heard in her preference for self-empathy evidence of my own inadequacy: Why couldn’t I just decide to be there for myself, especially when I could see how much better my life and my relationships would be if I did “choose” self-compassion?

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Do you spur on your inner critic, hoping that if you can just be harder on yourself, you can liberate yourself from your pain and inhabit your life more fully?

Or do you try to stifle, ignore, or exile your inner critic, believing that the key to happiness is to just think positively and overpower or deny your doubts and judgments?

If you regularly use one or both of these strategies, how are they working for you? Are you genuinely fulfilled? Has your critic really gone away? Or are you feeling frustrated and discouraged, wondering why you’re trying so hard and still not getting the results you’re wanting? [Read more…]

Never talk politics or religion or sex or race or money, especially in “mixed company.” Our culture has lots of rules around staying silent regarding topics that might raise conflict or incite judgment. But if we habitually choose silence, safety, and harmony, our needs for deep intimacy, true authenticity, personal growth, and social justice may never be met.

The trick is to raise these personal/public subjects in the spirit of seeking mutual understanding, rather than mutual agreement. Because if we can put everyone’s universal human needs on the table, we most definitely can open our hearts to each other and collectively come up with creative strategies that meet everyone’s needs. [Read more…]