Almost two decades ago, I passed through a toll booth on the San Francisco Bay Bridge. I held out my money to a toll taker, and in return he beamed at me, his smile radiant and his eyes kind. With the buoyant warmth of a parent talking to their beloved child, he asked, “How are […]
What Would You Change in Your Life Today if You Trusted Your Needs Would Still Be Met?
I don’t know about you, but when I was younger, I accomplished a lot in my life through force, “willpower,” punishments and rewards, and deadlines (emphasis on the “dead” part, which is how I often felt at the finish line of projects and degrees). I’d been conditioned to think that coercion, from myself or others, […]
Are You Stuck in a Response Rut? How Your Listening Can Deepen or Distance Your Relationships
–> Have you ever wanted to support someone, but what you said or didn’t say seemed to make things worse? –> Do you rerun conversations afterward, cringing about what you said, and wishing you could have a “do-over”—even if you aren’t exactly sure what you’d do or say differently? –> Do you fear conflict, because […]
Why is Self-Compassion So Elusive? (And A Three-Step Process for Priming the Pump!)
When I started learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC) a decade ago, one of my first teachers heavily emphasized self-empathy—that is, sensing into our own feelings and needs as a method to understand and connect with ourselves—as the easiest and most readily available source of empathy and compassion. “Self-empathy is your best friend,” she said. Her preference […]
What Would You Do with Your Life if You Had More Support?
I’m writing you tonight from the recently reopened community room at Wilbur Hot Springs. I hear some guests cooking their meals in the nearby kitchen and others chatting over their dinner by the fireplace. In the library, folks are reading and napping on overstuffed sofas. The atmosphere is warm and nurturing and familiar, which is […]